just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Someone came in the potted fern
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
