I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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