Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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