Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
