Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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