He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
