Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
