Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
His hands were made for my vagina.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
