No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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