Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Someone signed my nipple.
He did a backflip because drugs
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