two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
