maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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