Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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