i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
