so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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