I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
