i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
