Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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