i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there's paper in my vomit.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
