Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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