So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
