Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
