My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
