He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
