remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
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