Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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