Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
