All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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