We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
