we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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