I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
