Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
