Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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