Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
