Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
