Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
