On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
