So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
