i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
