I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
