Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
