Texts From Last Night · itskelseys99's Favorites

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(406): View more from Montana

But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers

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(480): View more from Arizona

All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors

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(443): View more from Maryland

I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance

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(716): View more from New York

He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.

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(206): View more from Washington

That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.

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(518): View more from New York

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"

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(310): View more from California

I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.

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(303): View more from Colorado

anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you never un-have a 4some

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(917): View more from New York City

I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?

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(630): View more from Illinois

We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure

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(256): View more from Alabama

Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.

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(972): View more from Texas

There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis

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(224): View more from Illinois

I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA

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(620): View more from Kansas

Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?

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(512): View more from Texas

It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

All. The answer is always all

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(516): View more from New York

She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy

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(562): View more from California

I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.

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(949): View more from California

Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?

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(248): View more from Michigan

and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.

(865): View more from Tennessee

Spopky scrzy skeletonssz

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.

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(512): View more from Texas

He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest

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(207): View more from Maine

All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(425): View more from Washington

i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(802): View more from Vermont

We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.

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(703): View more from Virginia

This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls

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(602): View more from Arizona

You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any

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(317): View more from Indiana

Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(703): View more from Virginia

My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample

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(360): View more from Washington

The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.

(217): View more from Illinois

But your showmanship is impeccable.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?

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(815): View more from Illinois

OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sex is always the answer.

(630): View more from Illinois

Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?

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(905): View more from Ontario

I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency

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(+61): View more from Australia

A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage

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(915): View more from Texas

Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"

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(214): View more from Texas

White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.

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(850): View more from Florida

I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.

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(757): View more from Virginia

And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"

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(602): View more from Arizona

A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me

(480): View more from Arizona

its gonna be a great night

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(214): View more from Texas

L'Shannah Tovah!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Whats that? My new stripper name?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder

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(802): View more from Vermont

I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty

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(818): View more from California

You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.

(1-818): View more from California

Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes

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(352): View more from Florida

So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!

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