Texts From Last Night · cp1342's Favorites

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cp1342's Favorites Texts:

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(949): View more from California

We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels

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(801): View more from Utah

Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.

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(661): View more from California

Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love

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(219): View more from Indiana

I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

That is awesome that you did that.

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(562): View more from California

It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.

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(631): View more from New York

She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it

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(514): View more from Quebec

He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.

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(702): View more from Nevada

The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant

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(419): View more from Ohio

Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.

(206): View more from Washington

That would've been embarrassing.

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(631): View more from New York

He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.

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(559): View more from California

so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

8===D

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.

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(512): View more from Texas

I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.

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(816): View more from Missouri

This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"

(573): View more from Missouri

Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?

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(563): View more from Iowa

He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.

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(585): View more from New York

It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college

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(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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(650): View more from California

We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

(650): View more from California

And so far nothing been broken!

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(416): View more from Toronto

She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

(1-416): View more from Toronto

You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(530): View more from California

.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.

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(334): View more from Alabama

My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.

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(940): View more from Texas

P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

(301): View more from Maryland

That wasn't a compliment.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Outside

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Um, OK. WTF?

(410): View more from Maryland

The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.

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(518): View more from New York

Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.

(1-518): View more from New York

Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.

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(205): View more from Alabama

My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle

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(319): View more from Iowa

That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.

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(530): View more from California

Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

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(415): View more from California

It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out

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(469): View more from Texas

I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.

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(916): View more from California

I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex

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(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...

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(718): View more from New York

She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character

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(772): View more from Florida

She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

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(904): View more from Florida

You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?

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(914): View more from New York

true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

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(775): View more from Nevada

Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are

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(914): View more from New York

The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

10 points to you

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(418): View more from Quebec

I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

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(563): View more from Iowa

As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...

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(419): View more from Ohio

Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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(706): View more from Georgia

I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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(310): View more from California

i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Bang-toberfest begins!!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!

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(863): View more from Florida

Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials

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(408): View more from California

so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

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(602): View more from Arizona

You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."

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(419): View more from Ohio

She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back

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(315): View more from New York

Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

(540): View more from Virginia

Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(810): View more from Michigan

He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"

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(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!

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(254): View more from Texas

He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him

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(509): View more from Washington

I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.

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(305): View more from Florida

Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"

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(214): View more from Texas

I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry

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(303): View more from Colorado

He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.

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(970): View more from Colorado

there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.

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(947): View more from Michigan

He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me

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(317): View more from Indiana

I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"

(406): View more from Montana

Midwestern nice.

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(630): View more from Illinois

REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.

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(801): View more from Utah

He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

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(636): View more from Missouri

it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.

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(831): View more from California

After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"

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(705): View more from Ontario

Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(316): View more from Kansas

Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.

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(708): View more from Illinois

you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group

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(714): View more from California

The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.

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(574): View more from Indiana

We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.

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(818): View more from California

more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt

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(714): View more from California

She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.

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(714): View more from California

She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

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(310): View more from California

It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal

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(317): View more from Indiana

We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward

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(616): View more from Michigan

Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(904): View more from Florida

Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(315): View more from New York

What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?

(315): View more from New York

His step dad chiming in on the jokes.

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(830): View more from Texas

Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester

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(925): View more from California

it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.

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(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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(206): View more from Washington

I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(760): View more from California

Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.

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(847): View more from Illinois

2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar

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(914): View more from New York

He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(207): View more from Maine

this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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(775): View more from Nevada

I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me

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