I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
