Texts From Last Night · SVT's Favorites

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SVT's Favorites Texts:

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(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(540): View more from Virginia

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

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(408): View more from California

Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(845): View more from New York

She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.

(1-845): View more from New York

she is way to in-touch with her childhood

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(512): View more from Texas

I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(323): View more from California

It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.

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(646): View more from New York

So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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(509): View more from Washington

I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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(616): View more from Michigan

She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.

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(510): View more from California

This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(213): View more from California

Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch

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(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(835): View more from Pennsylvania

The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Where was your thought process?

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Drowning in my hangover.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game

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(310): View more from California

When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

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(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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(214): View more from Texas

I am SOOO high

(830): View more from Texas

tell me about your high

(214): View more from Texas

HUGE THUMBTACKS

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(703): View more from Virginia

i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

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(+61): View more from Australia

They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved

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(269): View more from Michigan

I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.

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(916): View more from California

Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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(513): View more from Ohio

So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.

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(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(623): View more from Arizona

I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(647): View more from Ontario

Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.

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(845): View more from New York

No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown

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(859): View more from Kentucky

If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.

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(310): View more from California

Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...

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(818): View more from California

you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(909): View more from California

I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.

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(530): View more from California

I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets

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(718): View more from New York

I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.

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(210): View more from Texas

If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.

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(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

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(707): View more from California

The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(206): View more from Washington

In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

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(239): View more from Florida

im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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