Texts From Last Night · GhostieMac's Favorites

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GhostieMac's Favorites Texts:

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(281): View more from Texas

If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I broke a rule

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Which One?!

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're officially the worst brother ever.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just don't do anything stupid

(1-541): View more from Oregon

i did a stupid sorry

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Will you skip merrily into hell with me?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do

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(646): View more from New York

I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?

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(713): View more from Texas

I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.

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(330): View more from Ohio

This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober

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(616): View more from Michigan

Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.

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(210): View more from Texas

Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"

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(514): View more from Quebec

apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island

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(248): View more from Michigan

My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween

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(925): View more from California

I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.

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(909): View more from California

An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE

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(712): View more from Iowa

I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on

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(647): View more from Ontario

SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA

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(217): View more from Illinois

Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.

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(703): View more from Virginia

sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out

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(937): View more from Ohio

Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?

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(407): View more from Florida

How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.

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(240): View more from Maryland

IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP

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(630): View more from Illinois

Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wish drunk me came with subtitles

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(+35): View more from

I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?

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(408): View more from California

I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.

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(917): View more from New York City

Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.

(931): View more from Tennessee

BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.

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(972): View more from Texas

If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

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(251): View more from Alabama

And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.

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(585): View more from New York

I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night

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(707): View more from California

fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I get a little bitchy. We all know that

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel

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(310): View more from California

one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...

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(574): View more from Indiana

When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE

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(847): View more from Illinois

You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"

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(904): View more from Florida

GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.

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(360): View more from Washington

No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.

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(801): View more from Utah

And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's

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(615): View more from Tennessee

fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."

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(214): View more from Texas

In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision

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(402): View more from Nebraska

That was so not worth putting pants on for.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

MIDGETS

(847): View more from Illinois

????

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(925): View more from California

Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then

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(440): View more from Ohio

I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.

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(804): View more from Virginia

That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley

(502): View more from Kentucky

C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB

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(231): View more from Michigan

Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.

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(512): View more from Texas

This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.

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(760): View more from California

Mom just told me I need to start having sex.

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(407): View more from Florida

Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Brb crying the tears of my youth

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(214): View more from Texas

She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.

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(347): View more from New York

You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you

(718): View more from New York

yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.

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(917): View more from New York City

Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes

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(740): View more from Ohio

At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."

(414): View more from Wisconsin

That's literally the perfect eulogy

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(425): View more from Washington

Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants

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(317): View more from Indiana

i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation

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(210): View more from Texas

We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?

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(316): View more from Kansas

I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.

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(630): View more from Illinois

His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You are one with the wind and sky, bro.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange

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(212): View more from New York

be right there i have to get my cape

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(706): View more from Georgia

So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....

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(720): View more from Colorado

Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me

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(425): View more from Washington

Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.

(706): View more from Georgia

So you're drunk waiting for the bus.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.

(563): View more from Iowa

How is that low? I love carrots.

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(310): View more from California

Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.

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(512): View more from Texas

me + whiskey = a bad person

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(224): View more from Illinois

I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.

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(239): View more from Florida

Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

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(330): View more from Ohio

I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch

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(716): View more from New York

Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.

(585): View more from New York

If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol

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(909): View more from California

Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man

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(323): View more from California

Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.

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(775): View more from Nevada

are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise

(702): View more from Nevada

I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.

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(954): View more from Florida

i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean

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(716): View more from New York

It will be interesting

(585): View more from New York

Isn't that your life's motto?

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(727): View more from Florida

It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.

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(407): View more from Florida

Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...

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(773): View more from Illinois

We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.

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(989): View more from Michigan

you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying

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(386): View more from Florida

I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me

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(207): View more from Maine

My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans

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(845): View more from New York

Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.

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(206): View more from Washington

steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.

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(858): View more from California

He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone

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(360): View more from Washington

Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.

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(407): View more from Florida

Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse

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(425): View more from Washington

I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?

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(323): View more from California

Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,

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(845): View more from New York

should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"

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(415): View more from California

I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship

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(760): View more from California

You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today

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(903): View more from Texas

The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.

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(209): View more from California

i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious

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(510): View more from California

Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober

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(408): View more from California

if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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(845): View more from New York

Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM

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(469): View more from Texas

I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.

(224): View more from Illinois

That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special

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(563): View more from Iowa

I almost tased myself

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I dont think you should own that device.

(563): View more from Iowa

It's an awesome device. I love this device.

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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(817): View more from Texas

Post-sex nachos deserve a song.

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(972): View more from Texas

Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(630): View more from Illinois

Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going

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(561): View more from Florida

He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.

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(602): View more from Arizona

We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.

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(435): View more from Utah

I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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(314): View more from Missouri

Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

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(315): View more from New York

Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.

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(925): View more from California

Drunk texting is the poetry of my life

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(989): View more from Michigan

I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"

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(+61): View more from Australia

We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house

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(845): View more from New York

"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.

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(409): View more from Texas

Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Use "feeling words"

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Yay

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(303): View more from Colorado

that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment

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(303): View more from Colorado

Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(734): View more from Michigan

Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(330): View more from Ohio

can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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(804): View more from Virginia

We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.

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(917): View more from New York City

I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.

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(585): View more from New York

I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.

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(435): View more from Utah

When did we convert life to cartoon?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship

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(714): View more from California

my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts

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(310): View more from California

Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.

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(435): View more from Utah

For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job

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(928): View more from Arizona

So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.

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(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Sobriety and mild self-respect

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.

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(718): View more from New York

All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."

(347): View more from New York

What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.

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(559): View more from California

They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?

(214): View more from Texas

Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.

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(435): View more from Utah

Thanks for fucking me in last night

(435): View more from Utah

TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night

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(804): View more from Virginia

Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No this is saxophone Chris

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(317): View more from Indiana

I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad

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(773): View more from Illinois

I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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(315): View more from New York

Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.

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(914): View more from New York

He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover

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(217): View more from Illinois

Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.

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(512): View more from Texas

No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?

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(914): View more from New York

I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget

(1-316): View more from Kansas

He meets the coolest people when he's drunk

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(425): View more from Washington

I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.

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(845): View more from New York

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

(1-914): View more from New York

YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

(845): View more from New York

I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(760): View more from California

The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

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(+81): View more from

And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table

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(847): View more from Illinois

That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.

(847): View more from Illinois

You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Was it a good conversation?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was an awkward, sexual conversation.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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(760): View more from California

I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.

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(540): View more from Virginia

By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.

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(248): View more from Michigan

okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.

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(727): View more from Florida

it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...

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(850): View more from Florida

Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.

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(979): View more from Texas

We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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(210): View more from Texas

I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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(517): View more from Michigan

When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

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(435): View more from Utah

honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those

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(317): View more from Indiana

And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.

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(760): View more from California

And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day

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(901): View more from Tennessee

We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

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(607): View more from New York

Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

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(619): View more from California

THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.

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(217): View more from Illinois

He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "

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(+61): View more from Australia

My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.

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(613): View more from Ontario

New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.

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(207): View more from Maine

The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.

(207): View more from Maine

welcome to maine.

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(207): View more from Maine

life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.

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(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?

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(254): View more from Texas

I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.

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(410): View more from Maryland

no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(702): View more from Nevada

See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.

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(310): View more from California

I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"

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(254): View more from Texas

you are never too drunk for berry picking

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.

(904): View more from Florida

You're a good person. Sharing is caring.

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(517): View more from Michigan

There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm okay with that.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle

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(616): View more from Michigan

i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

You sure know how to make a day worth living.

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(817): View more from Texas

apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.

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(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.

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(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(989): View more from Michigan

My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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(516): View more from New York

He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure

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(360): View more from Washington

High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.

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(516): View more from New York

This is classic penis vs brain.

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(214): View more from Texas

White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted

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(330): View more from Ohio

So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.

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(386): View more from Florida

I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks

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(714): View more from California

I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?

(1-714): View more from California

Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!

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(519): View more from Ontario

And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.

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(406): View more from Montana

Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.

(901): View more from Tennessee

I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.

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(650): View more from California

I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Is this a drinking picnic?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Is there another kind?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(210): View more from Texas

"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(424): View more from California

Update: I may or may not be in a cult

(424): View more from California

Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(772): View more from Florida

Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me

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(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

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(270): View more from Kentucky

True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(207): View more from Maine

I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex

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(585): View more from New York

I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.

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(518): View more from New York

He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

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(503): View more from Oregon

Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

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(315): View more from New York

What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?

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(845): View more from New York

You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.

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(951): View more from California

What's dad's email?

(1-951): View more from California

askmom@cause.idk

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(404): View more from Georgia

Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"

(501): View more from Arkansas

I'll start the recruiting

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON

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(904): View more from Florida

Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.

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(757): View more from Virginia

pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(707): View more from California

I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(310): View more from California

You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

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(613): View more from Ontario

Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD

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(770): View more from Georgia

I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable

(678): View more from Georgia

not having any beer money sounds even more miserable

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(210): View more from Texas

did you know gatorade and rum go really good together

(1-210): View more from Texas

Are you doing depressed science again

(210): View more from Texas

maybe

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(903): View more from Texas

Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.

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(310): View more from California

When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(956): View more from Texas

You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day

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(312): View more from Illinois

When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

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(347): View more from New York

I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.

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(916): View more from California

It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(818): View more from California

You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hey I found a cat!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV

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(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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(256): View more from Alabama

OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE

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(707): View more from California

New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.

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(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(512): View more from Texas

Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

(210): View more from Texas

No

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete

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(917): View more from New York City

Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.

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(949): View more from California

Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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(661): View more from California

Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room

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(816): View more from Missouri

well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down

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(407): View more from Florida

I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it

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(585): View more from New York

My inner pteradactyl is also confused.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If you need anything just hit me up

(845): View more from New York

Pancakes

(201): View more from New Jersey

Noted.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.

(703): View more from Virginia

But doesn't your shift end at like noon?

(540): View more from Virginia

I don't think you understand.

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(650): View more from California

My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.

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(253): View more from Washington

Pants off. Spirits lifted.

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(206): View more from Washington

Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences

(919): View more from North Carolina

great clearly means different things to us

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life

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(517): View more from Michigan

I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.

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(647): View more from Ontario

We're like a dynamic duo.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?

(325): View more from Texas

Jail. That could go wrong.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.

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(713): View more from Texas

Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

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(618): View more from Illinois

At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.

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(301): View more from Maryland

A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.

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(514): View more from Quebec

It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(940): View more from Texas

See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.

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(540): View more from Virginia

why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.

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(650): View more from California

I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you

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(360): View more from Washington

Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.

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(208): View more from Idaho

That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

(208): View more from Idaho

Especially drunk mermaids.

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.

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(631): View more from New York

yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why does my jaw hurt?

(402): View more from Nebraska

I may have punched you.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(607): View more from New York

you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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(941): View more from Florida

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

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(815): View more from Illinois

Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.

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(514): View more from Quebec

When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.

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(207): View more from Maine

well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(775): View more from Nevada

Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.

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(415): View more from California

Fuck yeah GAYNESS

(415): View more from California

*explodes into glitter*

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(330): View more from Ohio

I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?

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(415): View more from California

Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm honored.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.

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(323): View more from California

I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

Fav 11 3029 1451
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(562): View more from California

Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.

(630): View more from Illinois

oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.

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(469): View more from Texas

The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.

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(518): View more from New York

I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping

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(908): View more from New Jersey

When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"

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(815): View more from Illinois

His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.

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(607): View more from New York

Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(209): View more from California

Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Also, beer. Big fan.

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(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(253): View more from Washington

He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

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(706): View more from Georgia

From one hot mess to another... Get it together.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

That was an excessively violent trivia night

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.

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(360): View more from Washington

No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.

(1-360): View more from Washington

You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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(323): View more from California

In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear

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(281): View more from Texas

Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.

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(214): View more from Texas

If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.

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(805): View more from California

I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(989): View more from Michigan

Let's paint friendship bongs

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(+58): View more from

James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.

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(406): View more from Montana

I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive

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(512): View more from Texas

Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(517): View more from Michigan

Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Stop touching yourself.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???

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(807): View more from Ontario

She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place

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(757): View more from Virginia

sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.

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(425): View more from Washington

So what are you going to be for halloween?

(503): View more from Oregon

A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.

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(969): View more from

You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?

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(516): View more from New York

Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god

(1-516): View more from New York

You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(206): View more from Washington

If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(512): View more from Texas

you are like the bill nye of illicit activities

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(330): View more from Ohio

ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.

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(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any booze?

(214): View more from Texas

Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef

(240): View more from Maryland

Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is the exact response I was looking for.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

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(514): View more from Quebec

Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.

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(315): View more from New York

Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.

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(914): View more from New York

Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(530): View more from California

that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.

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(614): View more from Ohio

not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(480): View more from Arizona

It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(905): View more from Ontario

I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!

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(216): View more from Ohio

We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"

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(210): View more from Texas

It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(630): View more from Illinois

its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it

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(214): View more from Texas

Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?

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(407): View more from Florida

What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.

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(315): View more from New York

It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex

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(703): View more from Virginia

I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Hydrate.

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(330): View more from Ohio

My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.

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(214): View more from Texas

Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.

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(386): View more from Florida

correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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(914): View more from New York

I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(706): View more from Georgia

Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses

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(469): View more from Texas

I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(770): View more from Georgia

Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...

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(216): View more from Ohio

Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.

(440): View more from Ohio

Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.

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(406): View more from Montana

Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?

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(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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(815): View more from Illinois

we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka

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(205): View more from Alabama

Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(503): View more from Oregon

What's wrong?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.

(503): View more from Oregon

Pussy.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish

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(404): View more from Georgia

You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

it's too much effort for something that isn't food.

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(626): View more from California

Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?

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(+35): View more from

I have feelings that need drinking.

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(940): View more from Texas

You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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(575): View more from New Mexico

It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

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(760): View more from California

Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?

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(419): View more from Ohio

That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.

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(785): View more from Kansas

im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.

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(818): View more from California

Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business

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(212): View more from New York

TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."

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(440): View more from Ohio

Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.

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(903): View more from Texas

I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(915): View more from Texas

God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms

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(207): View more from Maine

CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP

(207): View more from Maine

Do we still have any pizza left from last night?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Of course I have a pirate flag

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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(386): View more from Florida

In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(706): View more from Georgia

Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend

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(928): View more from Arizona

Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

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(775): View more from Nevada

You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

What are your plans?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.

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(409): View more from Texas

There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you

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(972): View more from Texas

I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.

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(561): View more from Florida

I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(239): View more from Florida

COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING

(646): View more from New York

(239): View more from Florida

Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.

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(801): View more from Utah

What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(626): View more from California

We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(574): View more from Indiana

IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.

(971): View more from Oregon

YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.

(574): View more from Indiana

NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

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(509): View more from Washington

Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

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(209): View more from California

The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

That is awesome that you did that.

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(760): View more from California

Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(613): View more from Ontario

We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends

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(587): View more from Alberta

I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.

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(714): View more from California

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!

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(714): View more from California

I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it

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(905): View more from Ontario

I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Jake bring pizza.

(775): View more from Nevada

JAKE BRING PIZZA.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

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(309): View more from Illinois

there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s

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(207): View more from Maine

Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?

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(614): View more from Ohio

You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore

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(509): View more from Washington

Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(408): View more from California

my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie

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(512): View more from Texas

Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.

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(210): View more from Texas

Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight

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(813): View more from Florida

Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(729): View more from

Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know

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(+57): View more from

I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.

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(904): View more from Florida

I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night

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(516): View more from New York

She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.

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(863): View more from Florida

I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Agreed.

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(914): View more from New York

Oh god. Standing was a rash decision

(847): View more from Illinois

I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage

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(913): View more from Kansas

The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets

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(847): View more from Illinois

I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(760): View more from California

This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(214): View more from Texas

L'Shannah Tovah!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Whats that? My new stripper name?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I know that feel bro

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(907): View more from Alaska

I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.

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(850): View more from Florida

Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?

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(970): View more from Colorado

My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

How high are you?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL

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(204): View more from Manitoba

we need to invent and abuse teleportation

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(330): View more from Ohio

my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark

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(210): View more from Texas

Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Made up a full house drinking game

(216): View more from Ohio

On my way.

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(+61): View more from Australia

There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.

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(406): View more from Montana

Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation

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(602): View more from Arizona

My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this

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(651): View more from Minnesota

YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks

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(443): View more from Maryland

I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag

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(678): View more from Georgia

I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.

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(718): View more from New York

You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.

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(936): View more from Texas

Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Yup

(936): View more from Texas

I love us.

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(330): View more from Ohio

What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?

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(954): View more from Florida

Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven

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(416): View more from Toronto

Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!

(1-416): View more from Toronto

Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken

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(337): View more from Louisiana

How's the hangover?

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.

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(209): View more from California

DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.

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(650): View more from California

Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.

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(956): View more from Texas

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important

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(970): View more from Colorado

Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes

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(707): View more from California

According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.

(253): View more from Washington

You called the wrong number but I salute you.

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(216): View more from Ohio

The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

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(323): View more from California

Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sure lol what's that?

(323): View more from California

Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why?

(323): View more from California

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!

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(425): View more from Washington

I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE

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(330): View more from Ohio

I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face

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(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(206): View more from Washington

Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?

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(210): View more from Texas

DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES

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(713): View more from Texas

I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And then someone hit me with a pool cue

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Both.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.

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(516): View more from New York

We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

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(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha

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(515): View more from Iowa

When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?

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(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.

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(817): View more from Texas

We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals

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(843): View more from South Carolina

They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."

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(518): View more from New York

I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.

(540): View more from Virginia

Of course you are.

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(317): View more from Indiana

There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences

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(727): View more from Florida

You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.

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(655): View more from

Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

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(905): View more from Ontario

thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin

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(303): View more from Colorado

I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff

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(207): View more from Maine

We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.

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(207): View more from Maine

well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM

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(972): View more from Texas

Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!

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(386): View more from Florida

make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"

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(707): View more from California

I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.

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(925): View more from California

I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.

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(760): View more from California

And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Helmets.

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(850): View more from Florida

Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

What is your life?

(315): View more from New York

A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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