My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
