Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
