I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
