We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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