I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I am midnight drunk by noon
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
