It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
